Adolescent Stress

Chap Clark’s chapter on stress and busyness struck me powerfully. You may have heard of something called a Life Stress Test. This test assigns a point value to a long list of major life events. You select the events that have occurred in your life over the last couple of years and are left with a stress score; this score indicates how much stress you’re dealing with in your life. Things like death of a spouse and divorce hold some of the highest point values. In Clark’s book, he discusses a similar test created just for adolescents. Clark lists some of the items on the list, and it looks like this:

• Death of a parent…100 points
• Parents divorce…73 points
• Parents separate…65 points
• Parent travels as part of job…63 points
• Parent remarries…50 points
• Parents reconcile…45 points
• Mother goes to work…45 points
• School difficulties…39 points
• Threat of violence at school…31 points

All of the point values are what I would have expected except for one…mom going to work. Mom going back to work is equally as stressing to adolescents as parents reconciling after being separated. Mom going to work is more stressing than school problems or even being threatened with violence at school. Frankly, I’m surprised that even made it to the list of potential stressors; I’ve just never thought of it that way.

But it’s something to think about. Many moms, including the sincerely godly, Christian moms, go back to work when the kids “get older.” Usually when all the kids are in school (sometimes elementary or middle, but at least by the time they get into high school), moms usually begin to think about heading back into the work field. And this seems perfectly naturally. The kids are growing up. They don’t need (and usually communicate that they don’t want) mom at home to take care of them. I’ve even figured that when my kids were “old enough,” I’d probably go to work or at least do some heavy volunteering somewhere. But apparently this mom-going-back-to-work-thing is more stressful to teenagers than any of us realized. 

Something happens to the pace of life when a mom enters the work field. Life speeds up – exponentially. Every family knows the pressure of balancing the load of household chores, making dinner, helping kids with homework, Bible studies, community groups, sports, extracurricular activities for our kids, and so on. When mom spends half a day or more at work, all those activities get condensed; there’s less time to do everything that needs to be done, not to mention the fact that work robs mom of some of her energy. And that’s when the margin in our lives starts to disappear. Our evenings are filled with activities, some important, some frivolous. And there is no time (or energy) to connect with each other. And families are paying the price.

Let me interrupt myself here to clarify that I’m not condemning women who work outside the home. I understand there are women who have to work, and there are some who simply choose to do so. While I believe that God designed women to manage their households under their husband’s authority, I’ll never pass judgment on a woman who works outside the home. Who am I to judge? For this post, I’m simply trying to assert the fact that with moms at work, the pace of life in the home does speed up, and usually, intimate relationships are harder to achieve because of the fast pace.

Reality Check – Like I said, I got a big reality check on this. I’ve learned that just when I thought it might be perfectly harmless to go back to work, I might need to re-think that. That may be the time when my kids need me at home the most.

Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers

If you’ve visited my recently-created page called Books I’m Reading, you will notice that I’ve been reading a book called Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers by Chap Clark. I finished this a while ago, and I’ve been chewing on it ever since. Chap Clark has waded through a ton of research about adolescents and has also conducted his own research, and he discusses his conclusions in this book. In order to help me process all this new information, I’m going to try to run through a few of the main things I’ve drawn from the book. Feel free to discuss some with me more in detail; I value your opinions and comments.

Point #1 (the main premise of the book): Today’s teenagers have been abandoned by society as a whole.
Clark says, “Adolescents have been cut off for far too long from the adults who have the power and experience to escort them into the greater society. Adolescents have been abandoned” (p. 21). He later states, “As society in general moved from being a relatively stable and cohesive adult community intent on caring for the needs of the young to a free-for-all of independent and fragmented adults seeking their own survival, individual adolescents found themselves in a deepening hole of systemic rejection. This rejection, or abandonment, of adolescents is the root of the fragmentation and calloused distancing that are the hallmarks of the adolescent culture” (p. 33).

Clark discusses the point that adolescence as a social construct has only been recognized for about a century or so. Before this, there were only two stages of life: childhood and adulthood. Most cultures held some sacred ritual or ceremony to mark a child’s becoming an adult. When our society created the stage of adolescence, everything changed; society started treating adolescents differently. He notes, “Within two decades of naming adolescence, public high school, or secondary school, became a common experience in the U.S.” (p. 45). He continues, “Youth sports, music, dance, drama and even religious youth programs…were originally designed and structured with a common goal: to nurture emerging adolescents by providing systems, structures, and activities to help them grow into adulthood by means of the smoothest, most productive transition possible” (p. 45). Now, Clark notes, these same programs have become a medium through which adults push their own dreams and agendas; no longer are these systems and organizations focused on the nurturing of the youth. Even very young children intrinsically understand that their value is found only in what they can contribute to the team. Adults seem to no longer value teens as human beings; children and teens only have value in so much as they can be productive and benefit the larger whole.

“Sports, music, dance, drama, Scouts, and even faith-related programs are all guilty of ignoring the developmental needs of each individual young person in favor of the organization’s goals. Add to this the increasing amount of homework being assigned to students at younger and younger ages. The systemic pressure on American children is immense. Too many of us actually enjoy the athletic, cultural, or artistic baby-sitting service provided by those paid by the organizations (or who volunteer). Even with the best of intentions, the way we raise, train, and even parent our children today exhibits attitudes and behaviors that are simply subtle forms of parental abandonment,” says Clark (p. 47). “We have evolved to the point where we believe driving (our kids to sports, etc.) is support, being active is love, and providing any and every opportunity is selfless nurture. We are a culture that has forgotten how to be together. We have lost the ability to spend unstructured down time” (p. 46).

Even though Clark focuses on the abandonment of adolescents, I’d like to contend that everyone has abandoned everybody. My favorite line in this book is, “We are a culture that has forgotten how to be together.” Relationships are no longer a high priority anymore; we are focused on progress and productivity. Making more money. Getting more done. Our technological advances, while helpful to us humans, have sped up the pace of life so much that human society is now paying a high price for it: we are losing the ability to value each other as human beings.

And this is a very important value. If you look at the ten commandments, they all either relate to our relationship with God or our relationship with other people. God didn’t create those ten commandments so we could be a more productive, efficient society. He gave us those commands so we could live at peace with one another in a way that honors him. In the New Testament, Jesus says that the greatest commandment is to love God. But he continues on by saying that the second greatest command is to love our neighbor. Not to tolerate each other’s presence as we each go about our days trying to get more done. But to actively love each other, to pursue relationships with one another. To purposely spend time with one another. To care for one another. To engage relationally, to connect with one another frequently.

You aren’t supposed to waltz through this life barely engaging those around you. If we as a whole continue to do this, our society will fall.

I’ll post more later on other significant points of the book, but for now what do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Where have you experienced or seen evidence of our society’s abandonment of today’s youth?

USA Today’s Graphs of Religious Trends in America

To follow up on yesterday’s post, I thought I’d include a link to this interactive graph by USA Today. It gives a really in-depth look at America’s religious trends and beliefs. You’ll see what religious groups believe in Heaven and Hell, which religions pray and attend church the most, and who thinks Hollywood is corrupting our values. Don’t forget to comment; I want to know your reactions.

Thanks to Jonathan’s Blog for digging up this great graph!

Tolerance Disguised as Humility

I read an article on msnbc.com about a recent survey regarding religious tolerance in America. You can read the full article here. While there are a lot of things I could say about this article and the study’s findings, here are some of the main stats from the study, along with some discussion about two big things stuck out to me.

Brief findings from the study:

• “Fifty-seven percent of evangelical church attendees said they believe many religions can lead to eternal life, in conflict with traditional evangelical teaching.”
• Only fourteen percent of people “cite religious beliefs as the main influence on their political thinking.”
• Ninety-two percent believe in God.
• Seventy-four percent believe in life after death.
• Sixty-three percent say their respective scriptures are the word of God.
• Twenty-one percent of self-identified atheists said they believe in God or a universal spirit, with 8 percent “absolutely certain” of it.

Anyone else see a problem with these stats? Here’s a statement that I take issue with:

“But it also showed support across religious lines for greater governmental aid for the poor, even if it means more debt and stricter environmental laws and regulations.”

What the heck? I had to read that twice before it really sank in. You’re telling me that the majority of self-professing “religious” people in America would rather the government take care of the poor? And what’s worse, these same people don’t care if that means that America will incur even more debt! How many times in the Bible does God command his people to take care of the widows and orphans, to aid the poor and needy? This is not our government’s responsibility. It’s time for us Christians to step up to the plate. How? Manage your own finances well. Tithe and give generously. Revise attitudes about what is the government’s responsibility and what is our own responsibility.

[Side note - In writing this, I've realized that while my perspectives about my responsibility vs. the government's responsibility might be proper, it may be time for me to do a reality check and see just how well I'm doing at taking care of God's poor, orphans, and widows...]

Here’s another statement from the article:

“[The findings] show increased religious security. People are comfortable with other traditions even if they’re different,” said the Rev. C. Welton Gaddy, president of the Interfaith Alliance. “It indicates a level of humility about religion that would be of great benefit to everyone.”

Humility, huh? Rev. Fluffypants, I think you’ve missed the boat. I’m all for humility. In fact, I could stand to be a little more humble most of the time. But the Bible clearly states that Jesus is THE Way. God is a jealous God and will have no other gods before him. Period. Being humble has nothing to do with it. My mom told me when I was growing up that I needed to be open-minded…but not so open-minded that my brains fall out. The same Scriptures that tell us that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life also tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves and to be humble. But in our efforts to be humble and loving, let’s not let the truth of the Gospel get lost in translation.

Living In Between

Paul Peterson wrote a post called Living In Between, “Sometimes the hardest place to be is in between. In other words, you’re not where you used to be but you’re not where you want to be.”

Boy, do I know what he’s talking about! Every since we moved to Nashville 1 year, 2 months, and 10 or so days ago, I feel like I’ve lost everything that I spent the first 23 years of my life building; I feel like I’ve had to start over from scratch. And it’s not easy recreating 23 years of life; it takes a long, long time. 

Since moving, there have been times that I have wished we were back in Memphis; I have wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. I’m certain that we are/were following God’s will by moving here, but truthfully sometimes I miss my old life in Memphis. I want my family back. I want my friends back. I want my community group back. I want my church back. I want my job back. I want my life back. But the truth is, we can’t go back to the way things were. Even if we moved back right now, things would not be the same as they were a year ago. I’m not where I used to be.

And I’m certainly not where I want to be. I feel like I’m beating my head against a wall in almost every area of my life; I feel like nothing has settled back into place…and it’s been over a year! I’m growing weary.

When we moved, my husband and I agreed that a top priority would be to make friends. I have made several, but it’s hard to develop deep, solid friendships quickly. Relationships take time. I had a friend in Memphis who cautioned me before we moved; she told me that it would take longer than I expected to make new friends. While I took her advice to heart, I hoped she was wrong. She wasn’t. I’m beginning to wonder if there even are people in their mid-twenties in the Nashville area. Are you out there??

My job situation is not where I want it to be either. We moved for Michael to take a job where his passions and skills would be most utilized. I took a job where I’m hardly utilized for anything. And I feel so stuck. And it sucks.

Michael and I have prayed for a baby for over two years now. While family and friends have advised us to pursue medical testing and procedures related to infertility, we sincerely believe that the Lord has told us to wait for him to act on our behalf. Whether we will pursue infertility testing or even adoption at a later time is unknown. For now, we know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has told us be still and wait for him. So we’re doing our part and waiting for God to do his. But the waiting, the time in between, is hard.

It seems like everything is within reach, but I can’t get a hold of anything. Nothing will happen. Everything is just up in the air. And I’m just stuck here waiting, miserable yet inexplicably happy to be loved by such a God. I am confident that God is working his plan, and I am completely surrendered to his plan, content to wait on him for his glory. But I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’d like to take some initiative to “better my situation,” but everything is out of my hands. And I don’t like not being in control. I’m literally standing here with the whole world up in the air, and all I can do is wait.

Reality Check - Paul Peterson ends his post with some verse from Proverbs 4; these tokens of wisdom contain the key to what I’m supposed to do while I’m waiting.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Don’t let your mouth speak dishonestly and don’t let your lips talk deviously. Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established. Don’t turn to the right or to the left; keep your feet away from evil.” (v. 23-27).

So with my heart well guarded, I will carry on. My mouth will not speak dishonestly and my lips will not talk deviously. I will look forward with the eyes of my heart; the gaze of my heart will be straight ahead on the path I know God has laid out for me…for his glory. I will consider the path under my feet, knowing that my ways will be established firmly by the Lord. I will not turn to the right or to the left, and I will turn away from evil. I will do this while I’m walking in the “in between.”