His Love

I love it when God answers prayers.

A few weeks ago, I attended a women’s retreat with our church, and the theme was God’s love for us, in us, and through us. I felt God calling me to let go of my dependence on love from people around me; he asked me to believe in his love for me. I sensed him saying, “Seek first My love; seek only My love.”

That’s always been hard for me. I can very easily believe that God loves everyone else. I can sincerely exclaim to you how much God loves you, how his heart beats for you, no matter what wrong you’ve done. But there is a contradiction in my heart; there is something blocking the way for me to receive or believe in God’s love for me. Naturally this disbelief in love extends beyond my relationship with God. I have discovered over the past several years that I have a tendency to always question the love other people have for me. You may love me today, but what about tomorrow? Will we still be friends? Will you still like me? And I hate that I’m always questioning, always doubting.

As I’ve searched my heart, God has shown me that I’m a very performance-oriented person. I’m a perfectionist, a rule-follower. Underlying these tendencies is this simple (albeit untrue) belief: If I’m perfect, you have to love me. If I’m perfect, you can have no objection to me; you have no choice but to love me and like me. After all, what is there not to like or love in a perfect person?

As you can probably plainly see, my sense of love is directly tied to performance and works. But this is a sick perversion of the truth. If I search the Scriptures, I can find no evidence that love is tied to my works/behavior. In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve, two sinless creatures that were most beloved by God. When they sinned, God allowed Adam and Eve to experience the consequences of their behaviors; he even cast them out of the Garden of Eden. But he loved them no less than before. Yes, there were consequences for their sinful behavior. But God’s love was never determined by their actions; He simply loved them. And that’s why he sent his Son to die for us. Jesus died so that our sins might be erased, so we can once again be reconciled to God. God seeks to be reconciled to us because he loves us, not because we are good or perfect.

So in light of all of this, here’s what my prayers have been sounding like a lot lately; this is almost all that I can pray:

God, please help me to believe that you love me. Show me your love. Help me to grasp it and to understand it as much as I possibly can. Help me not to doubt your love for me. Let me not believe that your love for me is tied to my actions. Just help me believe that you love me.

I have sensed that this is a prayer that God has been waiting for me to pray. He’s been so ready to answer. Many times every day, I sense God affirming in my heart that he loves me. While I was on vacation in Florida over the last week, I watched the waves roll on and off the shore. With each wave that hit the sand, God said in a voice so powerful, “This is MY love for YOU.” And with every wave that he reminded me of that truth, there was another wave right behind it to whisper the same sweetness.

Yeah, I love it when God answers prayers.